Me

I guess it's okay to talk about this here.  This blog, after all, isn't just about my writing--it's about my life.  And my life is definitely a downer these days.  I am hopelessly depressed.  Unfortunately my mood swings make me unpleasant to be around.  Not that I'm the sociable type.  Sadly I never learned how to be a social butterfly; I've spent much of my life in a proverbial cocoon.  Even when someone says something nice or complimentary, I am simply struck dumb and unable to reply.  My shyness and awkwardness should never be mistaken for anything else.  I am simply too introverted to come across as friendly or grateful.  If you are born inside your shell, can you ever escape it?  Are you simply destined to always be a shy, depressed, sad person without a wealth of friends?

Searching

Much of my life has been spent searching.  At a young age I searched for acceptance for myself, the weird kid that spent most of his free time drawing, building, or reading.  Then I searched for strong friendships—and I still am.  As I grew older I began to search for love—which I’ve never found—and my place in the world.  Never found that, either.  I searched a wide variety of career options and degree programs.  Even though I found a master’s program that wanted me, no one in that world wants me as their employee.  Often times my life is incredibly difficult and lonely.  And I’m not wallowing in pity because so many are worse off than me—they are trapped in terrible situations and will never be able to escape.   One way or another, someday I want to be wanted.  With all that said, I think I look better now than at any time in my life.  I’ve finally grown into my own skin.

 

Currently listening to “On a Night Like This” by Kylie Minogue