Searching

Much of my life has been spent searching.  At a young age I searched for acceptance for myself, the weird kid that spent most of his free time drawing, building, or reading.  Then I searched for strong friendships—and I still am.  As I grew older I began to search for love—which I’ve never found—and my place in the world.  Never found that, either.  I searched a wide variety of career options and degree programs.  Even though I found a master’s program that wanted me, no one in that world wants me as their employee.  Often times my life is incredibly difficult and lonely.  And I’m not wallowing in pity because so many are worse off than me—they are trapped in terrible situations and will never be able to escape.   One way or another, someday I want to be wanted.  With all that said, I think I look better now than at any time in my life.  I’ve finally grown into my own skin.

 

Currently listening to “On a Night Like This” by Kylie Minogue  

Considered

Tonight I am considering happiness.  What are the components that allow us to find joy, to find happiness and pleasure in everyday life?  Once we find happiness, how do we keep it?  So often it seems to be fleeting—like a butterfly landing on a lilac bush, happiness quickly comes into our life and flies away again.  Perhaps happiness is something you can catch in a net, or maybe it’s so intangible that we can never predict where it will show up.  Someday I will figure out how to define “happiness”—for now, it seems to come in many different forms

Currently listening to “Consider Me Gone” by Reba McEntire

Memory Lane

Lately I have been doing a lot of traveling down memory lane—I think it’s nice to go back sometimes and remember how things used to be, how it felt to be young, what it was like when everything was brand new and every day was a fresh discovery.  By the time you reach a certain age, you become jaded and assume that there’s nothing new under the moon, nothing left to learn.  I’ve tried to paint myself as a life-long learner.  I enjoy reading something interesting, something new, something that gives me fresh perspective.  There’s always one more book to read, one more movie to see, one more place to travel, if you allow yourself to believe in possibilities. 

Currently listening to “Ordinary People” by Clay Walker

Little Things

Sometimes the small things in life are the ones that provide the most happiness…

• The sound of rain on the roof (rain, mind you—not storms)

• Spontaneous laughter

• And in the same vein, laughter over a long-ago memory

• A new CD, book, or DVD

• A funny picture or status on Facebook

• An unexpected card in the mail

• Any mail that isn’t a bill!

• Old photos

• A favorite song on the radio

Currently listening to “Long Slow Beautiful Dance” by Rascal Flatts

Fragile

What the events of the past few days have taught me is that life is truly fragile.  So much of life is not about having success, shining in the sun, or thriving.  Life is about our ability to endure, to be here day after day, year after year.   And there are so many obstacles and challenges and structures that try to keep us from enduring, from surviving.  Some days are peaceful and calm.  Some days you spend each and every waking moment scratching and clawing to keep your head above water.  And then other days all of the fighting to endure seems to be worth it—you have a small piece of happiness that you grasp with both hands.  Sometimes the happiness is fragile, and other times it simply endures.

Currently listening to “Never Let Me Go” by Florence + the Machine 

Twice as Nice

It's official--I'm a two-time author.  My book is up digitally and physically on Amazon and I am thrilled.  This has been a really interesting year so far.  When it began, I was not an author.  Now I am, a mere seven months into the year, the author of two whole books.  I've decided to stick with the author thing for as long as I possess the time and energy.  I would love to have, you know, a full-time job that pays the bills but as of today no one is interested in me.  Therefore, I'm gonna keep writing and blogging until my fingers fall off or the world gets tired of me, whichever comes first!
Kindle e-book:

http://www.amazon.com/Kentucky-Summer-ebook/dp/B008J1T3PA

Paperback:

http://www.amazon.com/Kentucky-Summer-Mr-Tommie-Conrad/dp/147819815X

Proof

Today the proof for my second novel arrived in the mail.  Again, I was overcome with a sense of joy.  The cover looked beautiful and the book is rather thick, much longer than I ever could have expected.  Anyway, the joy of accomplishment is hard to dim.  I find myself wondering, albeit hopefully, if I'll manage to write anything as compelling in the future, anything I will enjoy as much.  I'm well aware that I've been putting a lot of myself into my writing and sometimes I wonder if it's too much.  Then again, only a select few people could ever understand all of the little personality quirks and inside jokes littering the pages.  In some ways though, it is only appropriate--I'm writing a story that I would enjoy reading and if others enjoy it, that's fantastic, too.

Currently listening to "Play" by Rascal Flatts

Elation

Upon glancing at the cover of my second novel, I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of emotion.  It's amazing to see something that I created, from my own mind, being brought to fruition.  Of course, the cover is my own creation, albeit plugged into the Create Space design app.  Still, it was my own photo, and my own small idea--literally a mustard seed that grew into something bigger than me, a story that I couldn't always understand but had to pursue to completion.  I mean, I'm sure it sounds crazy but the characters wrote themselves.  I created them but they drove the story and pushed me forward, changing my own ideas in the process.  As with every completed work, there's probably a thing or two I could change--but I won't.  I love my story as it is, and hope the day never comes when I tire of reading and re-reading it.

Currently listening to "You've Got to Talk to Me" by Lee Ann Womack

Feedback

I don't want to jinx it, but so far I have received nothing but wonderful feedback regarding my writing.  It's the kind of validation that I need, that I crave.  This week has been pretty exciting as I worked on the final proofing before I submit my second novel.  This one will be making it into the world much quicker as I created the cover image before finishing the book itself.  At any rate, I can only hope formatting is a little easier this time around.  I am truly excited about unleashing this novel upon the world as I have great feelings about it.  I can only hope that my feedback continues to be good.

Currently listening to "Adore" by Prince

Completion, Part Two

Stop me if you've heard this one before...just kidding.  I finished my second novel.  The only thing left to do now is submit it online and design the cover.  I have to admit that it was very easy to write.  It was almost as though I created the characters and they wrote the story themselves.  I was merely the one transcribing their lives, rather than their creator.  I had my doubts but ultimately it was a very fun novel to write.  I worried I wouldn’t be able to do justice to the characters but I feel that I did.   When I was editing the novel, re-reading it, I was drawn into the story, the emotions that built up between the characters—which is weird, because it’s my story.  Then again, at the end of the day, it’s only got to make me happy.  I would love if other people read and enjoyed my story, but I also want to write something that makes me happy when I’ve completed writing it.  I will be keeping everyone up to date as the book is submitted, proofed, and listed for sale.

Currently listening to “Let It Hurt” by Rascal Flatts

Worry

A certain amount of worry in life is healthy.  It keeps you from making an endless series of stupid decisions.  However, I’ve always leaned way too far toward the neurotic side of worry, letting it consume me and even affect my mental state.  Currently I worry about my writing and if it will ever take me anywhere.  So far I am still waiting on reviews, if any, to come in.  Everyone with whom I’ve shared the book so far has enjoyed it.  Then again, I tend to worry about everything.  I worry when I can’t buy something I want.  I worry that my bills will never be paid.  I worry that I will never be financially stable.  I worry about too much rain or not enough.  I worry about commercials on television.  It’s a miracle I haven’t worried my hair prematurely grey (wait a minute…).  With all the said, I am still kind of on an emotional high after publishing my book.  The only thing that could make it more amazing would be to find it on a library shelf someday.

Currently listening to:  “Drinkin’ Me Lonely” by Chris Young