Without

Do you ever feel as though your life is amounting to nothing?  I’m not speaking of fame and fortune; both of those can be fleeting.  I am worried that I am never going to experience the true happiness of life.  I did everything I thought I needed to do to become a productive, successful adult.  I worked hard in high school, went to college and worked myself nearly to death on two degrees.  It was a struggle; I don’t make friends easily and I’m not social butterfly; therefore, I studied and tried to make the best grades possible.  Even that wasn’t always easy as I came upon less-than-sympathetic instructors and people who were just generally surly and inhospitable.  I am two years removed from earning my master’s degree, and the only thing I have to show for any of it is a crushing amount of debt and an inferiority complex.  Others are able to find employment with less experience and education than me; therefore, I must be hapless, feckless, hopeless, and every other –less out there.  I’m sure my lack of conversational skill plays a role in all of this; I am no good at talking myself up because there is honestly nothing to speak of.  When you are poor, you don’t have a fabulous list of leisure activities.  If my education and skills don’t speak for themselves, I don’t know what else to do.  Additionally, I am growing less sociable with time because I find people so generally unpleasant and sympathetic.  I am polite to strangers in public, because I was taught to be polite.  But I rarely go out of my way anymore because I know what I’ll find out of the way won’t give a flying fig about me.  I used to strive for helpfulness but people always blame me for their problems.  It’s a consistent pattern of my life. Maybe I was born with a guilty face.  I wish I could be content with being healthy and whole, but I’m quite sick of living hand-to-mouth while everyone else gets everything they want and I get nothing.  Either way, I would love to be happy, but this clown has finally washed off his makeup and isn’t going to fake cheer anymore.