Scanned

One month after I completed my radiation treatments, I went back for a follow-up MRI of my brain.  I am relieved to announce that the doctors found nothing of note—they think that my brain is looking fine, albeit different given the surgery and treatments I underwent.  The current plan is to continue with a scheduled chemotherapy regimen as well as intermittent scans to make sure I progress normally.  And based on the type of tumor that was removed from my brain, the scans will be used to make sure it doesn’t reoccur.

And yet despite my clean bill of health, I can feel myself slipping back into the depression I thought I had left behind me several months ago.  I feel trapped in a life that just won’t let me get ahead.  The book I started writing fizzled out after 36,000 words or so, well shy of my 60,000-plus word goal.  The editing and publication of two other completed novels seems a slow, laborious process that I can only hope will provide some reward to go with the risk.  My book sales have been decent if not spectacular—then again, they never were spectacular, but merely just enough to get by from month to month.

Perseverance

The last few weeks have been increasingly difficult for me.  I have drifted to some pretty low places emotionally, my life spinning apart like a tilt-a-whirl with all the nuts and bolts removed.  I think my ultimate problem is that I seek validation from others rather than myself.  I need something to bolster my confidence and I have been unable to find it, spending a lifetime worried and completely, utterly self-conscious. Sometimes I think I am profoundly screwed up, and for no good reason.  Each and every day I must persevere; I must find the strength to put my issues behind me and live a life of happiness and optimism.


Currently listening to "Cry" by Faith Hill

The Chill of an Early Fall

September has not started off with a bang.  I found myself falling to a very low place emotionally for much of the holiday weekend.  Tonight was interesting because, on a completely clear evening where the sun was out we lost power for nearly three hours.  For the first time since February, I am not writing.  At all.  I hope getting out of the groove doesn't lead to permanent writer's block.  But at any rate, who knows what will happen after I get a proof copy of book three?  It may inspire me all over again.  So far I'm not setting any goals for this month.  Just going to see where life takes me.


Currently listening to "My All" by Mariah Carey