Finding My Way Back

One of the most difficult internal struggles in life is the one to find out what you truly want.  I have thought at several points that I knew--only to find out that I don't and that my ideas have completely transformed.  It's either made easier or harder by the fact that I've never had a career.  And I've bounced around from thought to thought about that, too.  The goal is to create my own esteem for a change and stop relying on others' reflections of me.  Easier said than done.  Life is like a puzzle--the edges are a lot easier to assemble than the whole picture in the middle.

Memory Lane

Lately I have been doing a lot of traveling down memory lane—I think it’s nice to go back sometimes and remember how things used to be, how it felt to be young, what it was like when everything was brand new and every day was a fresh discovery.  By the time you reach a certain age, you become jaded and assume that there’s nothing new under the moon, nothing left to learn.  I’ve tried to paint myself as a life-long learner.  I enjoy reading something interesting, something new, something that gives me fresh perspective.  There’s always one more book to read, one more movie to see, one more place to travel, if you allow yourself to believe in possibilities. 

Currently listening to “Ordinary People” by Clay Walker

Fragile

What the events of the past few days have taught me is that life is truly fragile.  So much of life is not about having success, shining in the sun, or thriving.  Life is about our ability to endure, to be here day after day, year after year.   And there are so many obstacles and challenges and structures that try to keep us from enduring, from surviving.  Some days are peaceful and calm.  Some days you spend each and every waking moment scratching and clawing to keep your head above water.  And then other days all of the fighting to endure seems to be worth it—you have a small piece of happiness that you grasp with both hands.  Sometimes the happiness is fragile, and other times it simply endures.

Currently listening to “Never Let Me Go” by Florence + the Machine 

Stress

Unless you were lucky enough to have been born in a vacuum, stress is undoubtedly a part of your life.  Some stress is self-induced but it seems that entirely took much is placed on us due to the demands of others.   Sometimes we fail to realize that we are placing unrealistic demands on those close to us; no one, no matter how much we wish to idolize them, is a superhero.  We are all merely human, of flesh and blood—much like the old Human League song.   It is important to realize that nothing’s ever perfect, and life is a long journey that will be filled with its share of obstacles and triumphs.  Whenever you can, put away the hurt and disappointment for a day or two and stop to smell the proverbial roses.

Currently listening to “Holding Back the Years” by Simply Red

Connected

When I was in graduate school, I read the excellent book “The Death and Life of Charlie St Cloud” by Ben Sherwood.  Last night I was finally able to see the movie adaptation with Zac Efron which is also pretty good.  Some of the bonus features talked about the need to be “connected” to those who pass on; we wind up trying to hold onto just a small piece of them.  It got me to thinking about those who come in and out of our lives; how they impact us, sometimes profoundly, no matter how long we know them.  We form unbreakable bonds with people whom we may go years without seeing.  We maintain relationships with far-flung friends whom we may never see again.  A deep connection to someone rarely seen can be so much more fulfilling than the relationships that are a part of our daily lives.  As such, no matter how many of us, myself including, claim to be loners, we are all striving, each and every day, for some type of connection.  Whether we connect in friendship, love, or some indefinable, these are the relationships that sustain us, that nourish and encourage us.

At the same time, I think about the movie’s message of how we desire to connect with those who have gone on before us, those friends and loved ones we have lost.  I like to think of my grandmother as my guardian angel.  I like to think that she watches over us and guides us to make the right decisions.  In life she provided encouragement, but never forcefully.  So I like to think that she allows me to be rational and to explore my creativity as she also loved to draw and paint.  There are so many others I have known in my life who have passed on and so they remain at the back of my mind, pieces that were lost from the puzzle of life.  For some their time was long; for others, they barely got to make their way in life before they were lost to us forever.  I connect to them with my memories; photos and scraps of things that remind me of them.  Mementos and souvenirs—well, it all sounds like something out of a song. 

Currently listening to:  “Like a Rock” by Bob Seger